CHEESE MADE US DO IT!
by Claire Starling
Summary: DISCONTINUED. New chapter, be afraid, be VERY afraid. A story cowritten by MADMAD about what happens when you're watching too many DVD's at a sleepover and get high on cheese... Not for the faint of heart... just a fit of insanity...
1. This one time at my friends sleepover

This is a story that Claire and Mad wrote together on a night where they were eating lots and lots of cheese. Beware, cheeses power is great!  
Dr. Lecter: I'm NOT IN IT!  
Sarah, Christine, and Clarice: Neither am I!  
*group hug*   
CS and Mad: Maybe next time guys…  
DISCLAIMER: Jareth belongs to Jim Henson Corp. Lestat belongs to Anne Rice. And Erik belongs to Gaston Leroux…  
  
Remember…  
CHEESE MADE US DO IT!  
  
Claire and Mad were watching Labyrinth. Claire was staring intently watching the screen while Mad munched on pirates booty.   
"Mad, sh! This is my favorite scene," said the annoyed writer before shoving a handful of baked lays in her mouth and chewing loudly.   
On the screen, Jareth walked up to Sarah and asked, "How are you enjoying my Labyrinth?"  
"Now," said Claire, "I would have grabbed his balls and said 'How are you enjoying my hand' squeeze." She laughed evilly.  
"I wonder what your basis for comparison is?" mocked Jareth on the screen.  
"I have none," chuckled Mad, mimicking Sarah. "I'm a virgin, as in touched for the very first time, but," she batted her eyes. "I'm sure you could help me with that."  
They dissolved into giggles. Suddenly, Claire paused the movie and said, "Now look at where his hands are," she said pointing to where his hand was hovering over his package. "Now, look at his face." Jareth's face was kind of screwed up in a way that looked… well… bad.  
"Sarah," said Mad in a bad impression of Jareth. "Could you help me with my present?"  
"Y'know," said Claire, "The RED DEATH would kick in the masquerade, eh?"  
Mad didn't answer; she was too busy drooling over Jareth's eyes.   
"Hey!" yelled Claire. "You've got your dear Lestat so HANDS OFF!"  
"Hmph," sniffed Mad. "Then I'll just wish him off."  
She slowly turned to the screen and spoke, "Jareth, I wish you would take Lestat away, right NOW!"  
Claire fell back laughing but, unexpectedly, the image of Jareth turned to them. "Your wish is my command," he hissed.  
Suddenly, Jareth disappeared from the screen before the lights flickered and went off.  
They heard the flapping of an owl and both turned to the glass doors. A barn owl descended from the sky and flew towards them. Unfortunately for Jareth, Mad used Windex and he flew straight into the door.   
The girls both grimaced as they watched the bird slowly slip down the glass and fall to the ground. "Oooh that had to hurt."  
The owl changed into Jareth and he slowly got up, rubbing his head. He smashed the door.  
"Hey, you're gonna pay for that," Mad growled.  
"And you're going to pay for my lump," he glared at Mad.  
"So you're the foolish girl who made the wish."  
"Yeah and you're the hot one that grants the wish," drooled Mad, who had dropped the angry façade.   
Claire raised her hand in question, "Um, there's an obvious problem… Lestat is sort of, uh fictional?"  
"In your dimension he may be but he is real," he said, looking at Claire for the first time. He smiled hungrily.  
Claire noticed where his eyes were. With one hand she tugged up her neckline, with the other she tilted his chin up so that they're eyes met. "Head's a little higher there, hun."  
Mad looked like she was about to faint or cry. "Wait, so Lestat is real?"  
Jareth turned and eyed the curvy red head with curiosity. "Well, yes."  
Mad began to tremble. "And Erik?"  
"Holy fadoodle!" screamed Claire. "He's fucakata real! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"  
Jareth raised an elegant eyebrow, "Who?"  
"Erik, the PHANTOM," Claire explained.  
She grabbed a book from midair. And read, " 'Phantom by Susan Kay', read it."  
"I KNOW WHO HE IS!" he angrily grabbed the book from Claire and shoved it down his tights.   
Mad suddenly burst out, "I wish Jareth would take Erik away, right now!"  
"Your full of wishes today aren't you, girl?" Jareth snapped his fingers, which by the way is very hard to do with gloves on, "Done."  
"I have a bright idea!" Claire yelled. "I wish that Jareth would take Mad and I away so that we could be surrounded by hot, single, seductive MEN!"  
That's when Claire burst into song, "Bring on the men, and let the fun begin. A little touch of sin, why wait another minute? Step this way, it's time for us to play. We say, we may not pass this way again, so let's waste no more time, BRING ON THE MEN!"  
Mad was about to scream, when two men dropped in as the girls' jaws dropped.   
Lestat shook his head to clear it. Two seconds ago, he was about to feed. He opened his eyes to see two, bare female feet. He slowly looked up the long legs. He was shocked to find that the female's legs were in pants…that had cows on them. His eyes followed up her body to her low neckline. Her brunette hair covered most of her breasts. He heard an 'Ahem!' which quickly lifted his eyes to her face. Her green-brown eyes had amusement and amazement in them. One of her eyebrows arched as she said, "Enjoying the view, Lestat?"   
"Oui Mademoiselle." He said, taking her hand and kissing it. "And you would be?"  
"Claire." She replied smoothly.  
Mad however, realized that they were in the goblin throne room. And her Lestat was mooning over Claire. And now, she had a very, very aggravated phantom at her feet.  
"Quoi?" he asked.  
Mad let out a strangled sob and fell to him.  
"Erik! I'm sorry! I brought this upon you! Forgive me!"  
Erik's confusion was as visible as Jareth's jealousy. He wrenched her away from her ghost.  
"You have no reason to love that-" a quick punch from Erik silenced him.  
Suddenly, Erik was suspended in midair. He looked around and saw Claire holding her hand up.   
"Now boys," she stated calmly. "If we are going to play together we must learn to share."  
She helped Mad up and stated, "Erik- you and Lestat has been wished away by Mad," she indicated the sobbing red-head at her side. "to Jareth" She pointed at the recovered Goblin King.   
She lowered Erik.  
" Yes," Erik said. "But how did you know about us at all?"  
"Oh," said Mad. "Well, we know you 'Phantom of the Opera' by Gaston Leroux. And more fondly from 'Phantom' by Susan Kay."  
" I don't believe you," said Erik.  
" Oh," said Claire, brightening. " I have proof!" Claire ran over to Jareth and reached into his tights.   
Everyone but Jareth (who looked quite aroused) and Claire (who was concentrating) looked very confused. Finally, Claire pulled out what she was looking for - the book, Jareth had shoved in there earlier.   
"See!" Claire said, pointing to the book, trying to hand it to Erik.  
"No, that's okay," he said, "I believe you."   
" Hey Claire?" Jareth said.   
"Hmm?" she said turning to him.  
He grabbed the book and shoved it back into his tights.  
"Could you do that again?"   
That made Mad smile and wipe a tear away.   
"Come what may," she sang "I will love you 'til my dying day!"   
Claire smiled, glad to see her menfolk tightly spellbound. She had an outrageous idea that just might work.  
What all fictional hunks of every teenage girl's dream didn't know, was that Mad was part siren and Claire was part succubus. They both grinned before singing the cadenza that Christine Daae did in the musical that they worshipped.   
All the men swayed as they continued. Lestat was on his knees, Jareth was obviously aroused, and Erik's enchanting eyes were as big as saucers.   
(Great) Mad thought ( we just turned our greatest passions into very horny men and we've presented ourselves, virgins, on a silver platter.) She started having doubts when they slowly advanced. She looked at Claire who looked equally doubtful. All three of them looked ready to pounce.   
Mad began an escalating cadenza. Claire attempted to follow but could not avail. Mad reached the pinnacle and, once again, burst into tears. She dropped to the floor screaming.  
"Why must I die? Would I be more noticed! Than I ever was before? Would the things I've said and done matter anymore?" and sobbed   
While the three were distracted, Claire got out a baseball bat, and whacked Lestat over the head.   
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"   
"Hey! That's my line!" Erik cried.  
"Not anymore, sweetcheeks!" She said, whacking him over the head.   
She turned to whack Jareth, when he pulled her into his embrace.   
"I don't think so luv." He said huskily before the pair disappeared.   
Mad fell into Lestat and Erik's limp arms and in despair hit a piercingly loud note, and broke every piece of glass in the castle. The chandelier over her head shattered and whacked her over the head, knocking her unconscious.  
  
  
  
To be continued (bum bum buuuuuuuum!)… 


	2. HUGE Talents

Disclaimer: They don't belong to us! However, for long stretches of time they have been kidnapped by us and chained into our bathtubs. MMMM... Erik and Jareth showers... Lestat and Spike showers... YUM  
  
And now without further adu, I present to you the insanity of:  
  
CHEESE MADE US DO IT!  
  
Claire struggled in Jareth's arms, "Let go of me you tights wearing wanker!"   
Jareth turned her around so she was facing him.  
"You're not British so you shouldn't be using British swears! How do you even know that word?"  
"Spike."  
"What do spikes have to do with this?" He grinned. "Are you trying to seduce me?"  
"NO!" Claire said. "I watch Buffy. Spike is a character on the show."  
"I do not know of this "Buffy". And what is Spike... a dog or something?"  
"No, you stupid git, he's a vampire!"  
"A vampire... like Lestat?"  
"Sort of..."  
He decided to change the subject. He lounged on his bed. "So tell me Claire... how are you enjoying my bedroom?"  
Claire simply blushed remembering her comment from early.  
He sat up and patted the spot next to him. "Sit, please. I don't bite... much."  
Claire slowly sat down beside Jareth. "Just don't go Hannibal Lecter on me."  
He looked confused, "Hannibal who?"  
She shook her head, "Never mind."  
"Oh, so Claire, can I ask you a question?"  
She smirked, "You just did."  
"Okay, I'll take that as a yes." He smiled at her and pressed a button making sixties music pop out of no where as he posed on his bed.  
"DO I MAKE YOU HORNY?"  
"RANDY?"  
"DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY YEAH!"  
Claire jumped off the bed and screeched. "Jareth! Jareth!" Finally she growled and said, "Not in a thousand years!"  
"It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache."  
Claire doesn't like how his mood has turned. Slowly she backs off.   
"I know just the thing."   
He pulls out a cocker. It is made of diamonds and he slips it around her neck. "This will insure that no one touches MY THINGS!"  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, in the throne room, Madeline wakes up to find an extremely ticked off vampire and phantom glaring down at her.  
"Uh- heh heh... hi?"  
"I'll beat ya both apart! I'll tape ya back togeth-" A gloved hand slapped over her mouth.   
"I guess she's okay" said Erik   
Lestat simply nodded and looked her over. She was a fine young thing, thick red hair, smoldering dark eyes, heaving chest. In Erik's opinion, she looked like a singer. Lestat lowered his face to meet her's.   
"Now, my dear," he whispered "Monsieur Erik is going to take his hand off your mouth and you will be calm. Understand?"  
Mad nodded slowly and Lestat removed his hand. She sat up slowly.  
  
"eeeee," an evil grin spread across her face.  
  
"Goody-goody"  
"Now you look here young miss! Just what are you  
doing?" shouted Erik.  
  
"Oh, this."   
  
Mad had completely lost control and she pressed her mouth hard against his. Erik pulled away, astonished.  
  
"Sac me bleu!"  
  
Lestat laughed foppishly.  
  
"Oh you'll get your turn." said Mad, rounding on him and kissing him hard. He, unlike Erik, liked that.   
  
"Look." said Erik.   
  
"I don't think you know what you are getting into."   
  
"I DON'T!" screeched Mad.   
  
"Hey" she said looking around "Where's Jareth and  
Claire?"  
  
"Why she's right here..." Jareth's voice said.  
  
Claire comes out in the same exact outfit Satine is wearing in the play Spectacular Spectacular from Moulin Rouge. Her eyes are completely blank.  
  
"Claire?" said Mad, concerned.  
  
"Kiss... hand... diamonds best friend." Whispered Claire beneath her breath.  
  
"What?" Erik said, confused.  
  
"Kiss... grand... diamonds best friend."  
  
"Uh oh..." Mad said. "This is bad."  
  
"Man cold," Claire's eyes flickered to Jareth briefly who was smirking. "Girls old."  
  
"And we all loose our charms... in the end..."  
  
Claire started to do the vocalizations. Erik was mystified. Like the red-headed creature before him, this girl also had a wonderful voice. Although, he could tell, this girl had received less training.   
  
Madeline was frantic. She had to wake Claire up from this trance. That's when she spotted the canter of water in the corner of the throne room. Running to retrieve it, she took it and chucked the water onto Claire.  
  
"Diamonds are AAAAAAAAH!" She screeched, now soaking. "I'm wet!"   
  
Claire was still dazed, so for good measure Mad slapped her. "OW!" Claire screeched. "I'm in pain, I'm wet," she glanced down at her dress and said, "And I'm Hysterical."  
  
Mad went to hit her again and Claire yelled, "No! No, I'm okay and hitting me again will only make me far more hysterical than I all ready am."  
  
Mad smiled, seeing her friend back to normal.   
  
"Nice choker, where'd ya get it? K-mart?" Mad laughed.   
"How dare you!" hissed Jareth. "I was saving it for my very special lady. But..." Jareth's voice trailed off.  
"Well, while you were in there sinning away, WE were being defiled!" Erik snapped.   
"Ah, we?" sneered Lestat. "YOU were being defiled! I," at this he looked Mad up and down, "was enjoying it."  
Mad grinned. She knew a song that would uplift everyone. She grabbed a top hat out of thin air and twirled it around.   
" The French, are glad to die for..." she placed that hat on her head "LOVE. They delight in fighting duels."   
Claire joined in.   
"But I prefer, a man who lives" she placed a top hat on her head. "And gives expensive..." and they whispered together   
"Jewels!"  
"AAAAAARRRRA!" rolled Mad. Claire started going around, high-fiving every-one. They disappeared behind a screen and reappeared in sparkly corsets and matching skirts.  
"TIFFANY!" called Claire.  
"CARTIER!" answered Mad.  
Lestat seemed to be enjoying himself and was trying to grab one or both of the girls. Erik, on the other hand, was very confused. His left side was twitching a bit in confusion. Jareth didn't know what to make of his creation.  
Mad smiled insanely and pounced on Erik, knocking him to the floor. She climbed on top of him and started to attempt to remove him of his clothing.  
"Let's make love! You want to make LOVE to me! Free the tiger!" She growled, starting to strip him. Erik was struggling and almost managed to remove her when she smiled and said, "Oooooooh, big boy..."  
Erik, mortified, threw Mad off of him. Blushing and furious, he reclothed himself.   
Claire smiled and said, "He has a huge..." looks at Jareth staring at her with a passionate stare, "...talent."  
"Is that all, my dear?" Jareth drawled.  
Lestat snuck up behind Claire and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I can assure you I have a HUGE talent."  
Claire elbowed him. "Not really my department, that's more Mad's area. Besides, you seem to be having some problems..." Claire stepped away.  
Mad's eyes lit up. "Oh, I see. Let mommy help." She walked up to Lestat and grabbed his um... "Does this inspire y-" She felt around a bit.   
"Wait a minute..."  
Erik was looking on. "HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? HERE IS A GIRL FEELING HIS CROTCH!"   
Claire doubled over in laughter.  
"Wait, Claire..."  
"What?" Claire asked.  
"You owe me ten bucks."  
"WHAT?" Claire was outraged.  
"Come over here and feel," Mad called.  
Claire complied and felt a bit. "No, I don't believe it. Wait! I can still get my money back!"   
Claire turned and stormed over to Jareth, determined. Quickly, she touched, checking. "HAH! See, I was right!"  
"What the FUCK is going on?" Erik said.  
"OoooooooOOOOOOH, Erik cursed!" Mad laughed.  
"Would you please explain," Erik said, ignoring Mad.  
"Well, see, Mad and I made a bargain. She thought Lestat stuffed and I thought Jareth stuffed. So we made a deal, ten bucks to the one who is correct." Claire felt around again. "And it seems we were both correct."  
Lestat and Jareth both blushed. "However, Jareth uses a lemon."   
"A lemon?" Mad asked, astonished.  
Claire just nodded.  
Erik burst out, "Well, I don't stuff!"  
Both Mad and Claire turned to look at him. Then, they looked at each other with insane grins on their faces.   
"Bad idea, mate," commented Jareth.  
"Oh damn..." Erik said as Claire and Mad stalked up to him.  
Both of them checked. "Wow..."  
"Yeah..."  
Mad nodded, "He really does have a HUGE talent."  
  
REVIEW PLEASE! 


	3. Railroad Spikes My ASS!

Eventually, things settled down in the group except for Jareth and Lestat who were fighting over who had the best hair. Claire was nowhere in sight. Mad and Erik were playing chess. And Mad, to be expected, was loosing. 

"Checkmate, again!" crowed Erik with a smirk. 

"DAMN!" cursed Mad. "Um, let's play again!" 

"You'll just loose," said Erik. 

"Well..." she counts on her fingers. "3,786 times a charm." 

"As you wish," he said with a shrug. 

"My hair's fluffier!" 

"It looks like it was cut by a weed wacker." 

"Well, you look like a WOMAN!" 

"Thanks... I mean... HEY!" 

Lestat lunged on Jareth and started a cat fight which consisted of them slapping at eachothers hands... and squeeling."Oh jez, and I thought he was manly..." Mad muttered. 

Erik looked about ready to burst with the laughter he was holding in. They were about to break it up when Claire did it for them. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" 

Lestat winced and said, "She screams like Claudia." 

"Come on, we have to help her!" Mad said, concerned for her friend. She ran toward the room. 

All three followed with a shrug. 

They burst into the room. 

"Oh god," Madeline said. 

The whole room was dark, the only light was coming from the television screen. A small form sat in front of it, cross-legged. It was Claire. She turned away for a second and glanced over her shoulder at them. 

"He's heeeeeeeeeeeeeere..." She looked back to the screen. 

They all looked at the television. 

"Oh jez," Mad said. 

Claire was drooling and rubbing a character that had his chest bared on the screen. "Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike." 

"Spike?" The three men looked confused. 

"What does she want with a spike?" Erik said. 

"I know what she can do with MY spike...." Jareth said. 

"That is very rude, Monsieur. She isn't interested in you." 

Claire turned around and stood with a naughty smile on her face. She was looking at Jareth. 

Jareth obviously thought it was from his comment. "She seems interested enought to me." 

"I wish that Spike was here right now." Claire sing-songed. 

And with a flash Spike was off the television screen. Buffy looked around, confused. "Spike?". The television shut off. 

They heard it then. The sound of something falling and someone screaming. And through the roof came Spike. And he landed, none too lightly, at the feet of Claire. 

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?" Spike screamed, getting up. 

He looked around. There was a dark haired girl in front of him. In his bedazzled state, he called out, "Nibblet? Drusilla?" 

A squeal came from Claire as she launched herself at Spike and hugged him fiercely. "I love you," she said. 

Spike was toppled over at the force of the glomp. He got up and noticed the brunette with her arms clenched around him. 

"Who in the 13 hells are you?" 

He looked around then to notice that there were others in the room. There was a short, curvaceous red-head. A guy who looked something like David Bowie in a fright wig. A blond vampire (he could tell), and a...a wha? Phantom? 

"What the?" 

"Baby! I need you!!!" squeeled Claire. 

Lestat let out a little yelp and threw his arms around Mad's curves. Erik stood and looked like he was about to explode. Jareth was just blank...blank blank blank. 

Claire managed to pull her self away from Spike to introduce herself. 

"I am your greatest lover Claire! Oh, and they are Mad, Jareth, Erik and the guy hugging Mad is Lestat." 

"Lestat?" sneered Spike, "The Anne Rice vampire? You give a bad name to all of us. Why in the living, bloody hell am I here?" 

Claire grinned. 

"Why, to be my lover of course!" 

Lestat figured out that Spike had just insulted him and, not letting go of his hostage, called out. "How dare you talk to me like that! I am one of the greatest vampires ever!" 

"Oh yeah well, SPIKE IS THE BIG BAD!" Claire defended. 

Mad's eyebrows raised. "The big bad...?" 

Claire looked confused. "Yeah that's what I just....... oh....." A huge smile came up on her face. 

As she turned to Spike, he backed away at the pure look of "ImanaughtygirlandifyouspankedmeI'denjoyitsowhybotherwaiting?" on her face. Reaching out, she tested his big baddness. 

"Oh yeah- he's the big BIG bad!" Claire said, releasing Spike crotch. Walking away she said, "Suuuuuuuure, that name came from railroad Spikes." She turned back to him and laughed, "I can see why Drusilla stayed with you for so long. It certainly wasn't for the poetry."

"Railroad Spikes my ass" 


	4. Sponges and Sucking for Dummies

And here it is... the third part- wait or is it the forth? Or the 400th? And the 195857837th? uuuuuh... I can't remember.... BRAIN FART! Annnnyway, here it is for your reading pleasure. Be sure to have some rubberpants handy and some sewing materials nearby 'cause HERE WE GOOOOO!  
  
Disclaimer: Erg.... well I don't own any of them.... Well, Jareth said I owned him last night... in bed... when we were..... never mind...   
MAD: HEY! Graphics- graphics!  
CS: Oh yeah, like the time you described how you and Lestat did *whispers in her ear* and a cow.  
MAD: Well, sorrrrrry...  
CS: We're taking up air space- er word space here... so READ THE STORY ALREADY!!!  
  
  
Spike sent a helpless look over to the rest of the group as he attempted to get the girl off of him. Claire clung tight to his waist while she gushed.   
  
"I love you!" Claire said, kissing him.   
  
With a screech of rage, Jareth ripped Claire off of Spike and Claire yelped, protesting.  
  
"HeeeeeeeeeeeEY! What do you think you're doing mister!"  
  
Jareth flipped the struggling Claire over his knee and did the unexpected. He spanked her.  
  
"YOOWWWCH!" Claire screamed. "HEY WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA- OW!"  
  
Jareth kept hitting her. Lestat watched them, a strange gleam appearing in his eyes. Then he looked at Mad.  
  
"I don't like it when you look at me like that…" Mad said.  
  
"May I?" Lestat said as he held Mad close.  
  
"May you what?" Mad said, confused.  
  
"Doesn't it look like fun?" he motioned toward Jareth and Claire.  
  
"GET OFF ME YOU TIGHT'S WEARING STUFFER!" Claire screamed, smacking Jareth.  
  
"You must be punished, you naughty girl. You belong to ME!"   
"OWWWWWCH!" Claire yelled. "I BELONG TO -OWCH- ME!"  
  
"Er- no…" Mad said, backing away- or attempting to anyway.  
  
"Oh come on Mad, you've been a very VERY naughty little girl…"  
  
Erik stared in horror. What were these men doing?  
  
"Ludicrous!" he hissed.  
  
They all turned to him and stared. He was either very bold, or very stupid. Mad was first to react. She flung herself at him and cried.  
  
"Save me from him….SAVE ME!! You won't let me go! Please help me!"  
  
Claire then reacted by biting Jareth in the leg, falling off, and rolling onto Spike.  
  
Lestat looked angrily at his girl. She was acting like that whore at the water-front.   
  
Erik was enraged. He knocked Mad aside and grabbed the first person he saw. That was Lestat. He shouted in a rage and threw him against a wall. Lestat merely let out loud, foppish laughter.  
  
"You fool! Try! But you can't kill me!"  
  
Jareth rubbed his poor widdle thigh and looked to Claire who was laughing.  
  
"Strong fella." Spike commented.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF FRENCH!" Erik bellowed.  
  
Lestat ripped Erik off and dashed to Mad. Lightening fast, he pulled her hair to the side and brought his lips dangerously close to her throat.  
  
Claire smiled evilly. She looked to Spike, lifted her arm, pulled her hair back, and arched her neck. "Want a taste?"  
  
Meanwhile, Mad was laughing. " BITE ME!"  
  
"With pleasure…" He went to sink his fangs into her throat when she elbowed him in the groin.   
  
"It's an expression, you sock lover."  
  
"Well, well, well… what have we here? She seeks the bite?" Spike commented, smelling her neck. "AB negative… haven't had that in a while… You're either very stupid or very desperate…"  
  
"No!" Jareth cried. "SHE'S MINE!!!" He grabbed her right arm and tugged.  
  
"Well, she's my snack!" Spike grabbed her left arm and tugged.  
  
"MINE!" Jareth cried.  
  
"MINE!" Spike roared.  
  
"HEY I AM NOT A TUG-O-WAR ROPE!" Claire screeched in pain.  
  
"SHUT UP!" they growled at her.  
  
They continued to tug before Mad called out, "Do something!"  
  
Erik, who was already pissed off, grabbed Spike a hurled him to one corner. Claire shoved Jareth away and jumped up. Everything froze as the camera did a slow 360 around Claire before she kicked Jareth square in the chest.   
  
Both men hit the wall hard and grimaced.  
  
Then Jareth and Spike stood back up and charged at her before a loud, high yell stopped them. "WAIT!"  
  
They both stopped and looked at Mad. "Can't we settle this…? Here, I have an idea!" Mad reached off screen and pulls out- a sponge. "Here, have my special Masculine Sponge." Now this was not any ordinary sponge. This sponge is shaped like a part that only men have… (A/N: GO SEE DANCE OF THE VAMPIRES!)   
  
Mad held it out to them. Jareth's head tilted as if he was considering. But Spike shook his head and said, "No thanks, mate. I go for women."  
  
The sponge drooped, "AW…."  
  
Lestat looked at Spike, then at Jareth before reaching out quickly and grabbing the sponge. He shoved it down his breeches then looked at everyone who, of course, was looking at him.  
  
"What? WHAT?"   
  
Jareth looked disappointed.   
  
"I wanna man-sponge!" he yelped  
  
Spike cracked up and almost choked. Erik was standing stiff as a board. And Claire started to scream with laughter. Lestat was embarrassed so he reached over, pulled Mad's hair up and ran his lips up and down her neck. He bared his fangs and bit her.  
  
"FUCKATOTUM!!!" Claire screamed spontaneously. Mad was scared again. She was starting to feel weak and could barely hold herself up. Jareth stopped whining and looked slightly confused.  
  
"What was that?" he asked Claire.  
  
"Is that my new pet name?"  
  
Spike sat up.   
  
"I don't see how a dick shaped sponge can solve anything… On contrary to monkey-boy, something's CAN defeat the penis…" he grinned at Claire. "But not many."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Erik fell over.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Mad sank to the ground and gripped her neck. The punctures hurt and things were getting dark. Claire looked worried.  
  
"What are you doing you korn-freaky-weaky?"   
  
"I'm making her a vampire…" Lestat said, stating the obvious.  
  
"No, you stupid blonde, you make her a vampire and I will make you wish you had a penis, do you understand?"   
  
"Actually, no… I have a penis…" Lestat said, grinning. "It's hard to miss…"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Erik fell over again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Actually, you stuff…. Erik's is hard to miss…" Claire commented.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This time, Erik stayed on the floor.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"And anyway," Claire said, whipping out a harpy that was signed by Dr. Lecter. "I've always wondered what it would be like to castrate a conscious patient… Care to find out?"  
  
All the men grimaced, grabbing their… toolbox… suddenly afraid of this girl.  
  
Claire rushed over to the crying Mad. She had lost a lot of blood and might pass out.  
  
"I know!" Claire cried, reaching off screen. She pulls out a suitcase in which she opens. "A transfusion!" Pulling a huge apparatus, which could not have possibly fit into the suitcase, out- she put one of the needles in Mad's arm.  
  
"What is that… thing?" Erik asked, fascinated.  
  
"Yeah, it looks like my Swedish penis enlarger," Jareth said.  
  
Everyone looked at him and he blushed.  
  
"What? WHAT?"  
  
"It's an apparatus," Claire said, putting the other needle in her arm. Quickly, she turned the machine on.   
  
"What a waste of good blood…" Spike pouted before shoving Lestat. "It's all your fault, Peaches."  
  
"I like peaches…" Jareth commented.  
  
"Is that a pet name?" Lestat questioned, wrapping his arms around Spike's waist. "Because I'm definitely interested…" and with that, he licked Spike's throat.  
  
"UGH!" Spike threw Lestat away from him.  
  
Suddenly, Mad went into seizures and Claire started gasping for breath.  
  
"What is it? What's going on?" Jareth cried, screaming like a girl.  
  
"It's Lestat, his ass is on the wire!" Erik yelled, tossing Lestat back toward Spike.   
  
The two girls slowly went back to normal.   
  
"Want to see what I'm reading?" Lestat said, leading Spike by the hand.  
  
"But this isn't your house…" Spike said, confused.  
  
"Yes, I know…"  
  
"Then why is this here?" Spike said.  
  
Lestat shrugged. "Because the authors deem it so!" He took out a book. "Here."  
  
"We're here, We're dead, Get used to it."  
  
"Wrong book."  
  
"Sucking for dummies."  
  
"What kind of sucking?" Jareth asked.  
  
"Oh," Lestat looked at Jareth seductively. "All kinds…Anyway, wrong book."  
  
"When love is inside you."  
  
Lestat sighs. "Yes, read a bit from it…"  
  
Suddenly Mad sits up and sings, "I ate his liver dun dun dun with some fava beans and a nice chianti…"  
  
And Claire chimes in, "A nice chianti…"  
  
They make a long slurping noise before they both collapse back onto the ground.   
  
Erik looked on.  
  
"That was uncalled for, and tonight, unnecessary."  
  
"Hmph! Well? C'mon Spike! Read!!" squeaked Lestat  
  
Luckily, both girls sat up. Spike threw the book and dashed to Claire, as did Jareth. Lestat, feeling dejected, went to Mad, who still had nice boobs anyways.  
  
"What happened?" Mad asked?   
  
Lestat just pulled her head to his chest and stroked her.  
  
"YOU ARE TIRED! COME REST YOUR HEAD ON MY BREAST!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Erik go down da hoooooooooooooole!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
DUM DUM DUUUUM!!!! 


	5. I'm Still HUNGRY!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! New chapta and you gotta love it cause if you don't I'll hunt you down, tie you up, and cover you with cool whip and cottage cheese.  
  
CHEESE MADE US DO IT!  
  
After Mad recovered and Claire could walk without wincing, the group settled. They were all hungry, sitting around the study they tried to decide on what to eat.   
"How about Chinese?" Claire said from her perch in Spike's lap.   
"No," Lestat said. "I don't like how they taste... how about Italian?"   
"WOAH WOAH WOAH... She meant Chinese FOOD, we're not eating people!" Mad said, slapping Lestat on the shin.   
"Yeah! Who do you think we are, Hannibal Lecter?" Claire said, raising an eyebrow.   
Everyone but Spike, Mad, and Claire looked confused.   
"Hannibal? You mean the one that traveled across the Alps?" Erik asked, confused.   
Mad rolled her eyes, "No, Hannibal Lecter as in Dr. Lecter, as in the cannibal."   
"Yeah," Claire said. "Here's his three books," Claire pulls out 'Red Dragon', 'Silence of the Lambs' and 'Hannibal' by Thomas Harris, she threw one to each confused party.   
Lestat, who had received Silence looked at the title and scoffed, "Why do I want to know about lambs?"   
"Hey, lambs have pretty good blood... better than pigs blood..."   
"He drinks pigs blood?" Mad said, her noise wrinkling.   
"What do you think?" Spike said, raising his eyebrow.   
"Mostly, I think 'ew'," Mad said.   
Jareth had received "Red Dragon" and grinning at Claire, "This sounds like one of those trashy sex novels... are you inferring something, mon ange?"   
Claire smacked her forehead.   
Erik who had received "Hannibal" was looking at it. "See, it IS about the man who traveled the Alps."   
Mad banged her head in the table.   
"Ah! No! Someone please educate this poor, deprived child!"   
Erik just looked away, insulted.   
"Well," Lestat said. "I think there is only one lamb in this room." He stared at Mad's fleece sweater, or what was under it.   
"Aw cut it out!" Spike drawled.   
"Why don't you just take her! She's not that strong looking. I mean come on!"   
"Hey!" yelled Claire. "She's my friend and she can fend for her self, right?"   
"I..guess." answered Mad.   
Jareth started playing with Claire's hair.   
"Wha?" she asked.   
"Oh nothing..."   
"NOTHING TRALALA!!" crowed Mad.   
"I'm still hungry." Claire stated.   
"As am I," Spike said, grinning. "Can I snack a bit?" He goes to bite into her neck and she giggles.   
"Hey, that TICKLES!"   
Jareth suddenly grabs her away. "HEY, I can bite too! SEE!" Jareth suddenly starts biting Claire's throat, which in turn, shocks everyone else.   
"OW!" Claire cried as he bit.   
Erik stood, "Monsieur!"   
Mad had risen as well, "What do you think you're doing?"   
Finally, Claire struggled away and ran towards Erik. Erik, who hadn't seen it coming, is therefore knocked over. "Erik, keep me safe. You're the Phantom. Punjab HIM!"   
"You don't mind?" Erik asked.   
"Of COURSE not! Throw him in the TORTURE CHAMBER! I wanna see him FRY!"   
Erik jumps up and starts to chase Jareth around, trying to lasso him.   
Jareth, however, is running away, screeching like a girl. But, as we all know, Prada boots are not meant for running in, so of course he trips.   
And...   
Lands...   
in a pile of Goblin shit.   
And...   
of course...   
everyone laughs.   
"I'm still hungry," Claire stated.   
"Good god I need a shower!" wailed Jareth.   
"You need to be taught some manners as well you useless pig!" shouted Erik.   
Lestat laughed in a foppish way. Mad looked at him.   
"It's not that funny any more..."   
"Spike?" Claire cooed.   
"Yes?" he answered.   
"Be a bad boy and sit on mommy's lap?" She giggled.   
"What! That was completely out of context!"   
"So?" Claire asked.   
"This entire fic is out of context, now come on! Sit!"   
While Claire was trying to seduce Spike, Lestat was alllllmost but not quite successfully seducing Mad.   
"Come here, little one."   
"Oh no! You're not going to pull that 'little one' crap on me buddy!"   
"But....but...(remembers Spike's suggestion) Bend over."   
"What?"   
"Take your clothes off and bend over! Now!"  
"NO! AND I'M HUNGRY!!"  
"I'm still hungry," Claire whined.  
"You're hungry, he's hungry, I'm hungry, we're all hungry!" Mad cries as she laughs hysterically and runs into a wall.  
"Ooooooooo," hissed Lestat.  
The one thing you should know about Claire is that even though she doesn't eat much, when she is hungry- you do NOT mess with her. You get out of the way, take cover, and possible find an escape route as she raids the kitchen.   
"I WANT FOOD... NOW!" Claire bellowed.  
Jareth, actually thinking for a second instead of posing for a portrait that will make him look smart, smirks and conjures a crystal. Walking up to her, he rolls the crystal along his wrist and it turns into a peach. "Here you are my dearest precious snookums. It's a present."  
Claire looks at the peach, takes it, and then tosses it at his head. "This is NOT real food, I'm talking about five course dinners!"  
"I have a two course meal, right now." He smiles wolfishly. Looking at the two humans he points to Claire, "Entree," and smirking at Mad he says, "Dessert."  
Spike jumps in as 'Super Big Bad' and says, "NO! You can't hurt her!" He covers Claire. "She's mine!"  
"HEY!" says both Claire and Mad.  
"I'm NOT an entree, I taste better with chocolate than with meat sauce." Claire looks at both Spike and Lestat, "I shouldn't have said that."  
"What about me?" Mad wails. "I want a PROTECTOR! I WANT TO BE LOVED!" Mad starts to cry.  
Lestat, seeing his opportunity, walks over to Mad and acts concerned. "I'll care for you, my love!"  
"Will you give me your lips?" Mad asked.  
"Yes," Lestat said, leaning closer.  
"Do you give me your mouth?"  
"Yes," He said, leaning even closer.  
"Do you give me your teeth?"  
"YES!" Lestat cried, now practically on top of her.  
Mad sighs and very dreamily says, "Do you give me your love?"  
Lestat pauses, and immediately draws back. "Well..."  
Erik suddenly pipes in, "It really isn't necessary to eat more than once a day, you know."  
Mad adds, "See Phantom by Susan Kay. Page 247, paperback. Only $5.99"  
"I'm. Still. HuNgRRRRRRRRY!" Claire yelled. Her eyes blazed and immediately her hands go up to her eyes. "Owch..."  
Erik, fed up, takes the first thing she finds and shoves it in her mouth. "Here!"   
Claire starts to laugh hysterically when she realizes what's in her mouth.  
Wedged between her teeth is a large chunk of cheese. 


	6. McDonalds is the place for ME!

Claire was driving a car. How did they get Aboveground, you say? After convincing Jareth they wouldn't run away, he allowed them to come Aboveground. (After all, who WOULD want to leave these handsome hotties?) And Claire was driving well considering she didn't have a license. She was driving a mustang the same car as Clarice Starling. Claire was driving, Mad sat in Lestat's lap in the front passanger seat and Erik, Spike, and Jareth were squished in the back.   
Claire drove up to a McDonalds. She read the menu as she thought of what she wants.   
"What is this 'Mc Patty'?" Erik asked confused.   
"Wekslekslwecpmepoepweonmf?" said the speaker.   
"Yeah, um- can I have some Chicken McNuggets. Y'know how you have the six piece?"   
"mgmg."   
"Can I have 4 chicken McNuggets please,"Claire said.   
"MHasklejnfoiskonaoief."   
"Take two and throw them away and give me four chicken McNuggets."   
"Mjsdjdhjdj JKJBsdjsjd."   
"Take two and shove them up your ASS and give me FOUR chicken McNuggets."   
"mhrksm."   
"And can I have a drink that's half diet coke and half regular coke? Cause I'm trying to watch my figure... um---- Fuck my ass--- can I have a small, a SMALL frosty..." Claire paused and looked at everyone else. "All right what do you want?"   
Mad thought before saying, "Can I have a Junior- a JUNIOR Mcpatty. And... uh- can I have a medium coke and..."   
"OH COME ON WITH THE ORDER!" Claire complains.   
"That's it... that's it..." Mad giggles.   
"nmgika shjjkhs 17.99akjasjkbdf."   
"You got any money?" Claire asks.   
Spike shakes his head. "I steal."   
Jareth shakes his head, "I'm a King for Undergrounds sake."   
Lestat shook his head, "I don't eat food."   
"I have money," Erik says and he hands a bag to Claire.   
"Erik," Claire says as she peers inside. "This is Francs we are in America now... we use dollars!" She tosses the bag back at him, starting to go insane again.   
"HERE!" Mad says as she takes out her money.   
Claire grabs it and looks at it. "All right we only have... I'm gonna need to have to cancel the last two things that I ordered."   
"Mhgfhhfm."   
"All right, let's go to the next window."   
At first, Mad was content by making "Vroom" noises. Lestat kept running his hands over her stomach as she batted them away. Claire wowed Spike and Jareth and sickened Erik with tales of the inexplicable. (No details sorry) But when they pulled up to the food window Mad had a bit of a fit.   
"I'm hungry...I'm hungry...I'm hungry!"   
"PIPE DOWN YOU NELLY!" shouted Spike.   
"SHUT UP!" called Claire.   
"The noises..." whispered Erik.   
Jareth was leaning forward, trying to touch Claire's butt but was getting pulled back by a contraption called a "seat belt."   
Lestat also said nothing because he was busy sniffing Mad's hair.   
"Look. It's getting late, we're hungry and we're tired." Claire explained.   
"We're not!" replied the two vampires.   
"Whatever, I say we just check into a motel and get some...."  
"Arse?" Spike asked.  
"No! She means sleep!" Mad corrected.  
"Sleep? Vampires never sleep! The night is when we love! The night is when we...OW!" Lestat never finished his dumb idea because Erik had pulled his hair.  
"That's enough..." he hissed.  
The checked into a hotel and got three rooms. Vampires got one, Jareth and Erik in the other, and Mad and Claire in the last. No sooner than they had settled, Claire heard a tapping at the window. She woke Mad and pointed.   
"It's a BAT!" Mad said, stupidly.  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Claire replied.  
"Let's let it in!" Mad said as she bounced over to the window.  
"Mad NO!"  
But it was too late. Madlan had opened the window and in came the bat. Claire was terrified at first. Bats meant rabies. Or even worse, ANOTHER VAMPIRE. Claire was just about to freak herself out when the bat flew in and crashing, changing into his human form. He looked at Mad for a second.  
"Che bella..." He said to her.  
"Che beeeeeeeeeeeelllllla!" He lunged at her.  
"HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA!" Mad cried out.  
"Sarah, I LOVE YOU!" The man cried out.  
The was the sound of many feet as Erik and Jareth came stumbling in. Claire glanced that way. But that's all it took. Immediately she started to laugh hysterically.  
Erik was dressed in his Chinese Dressing Robe. Jareth, however, was in "yummy sushi" pj's complete with booties. He was even holding a pink bunny rabbit by it's arm.  
"Sarah?" he said.  
Claire fell to the floor. Laughing.  
The vampire turned around when Erik flipped on the lights. And Madlan gasped.  
"Count Von KROLOCK!" She said. "What are you-" and she paused. She just saw Jareth's pj's and started to cackle because you see Mad doesn't laugh- she's incapable of it- she can only cackle insanely.  
Claire made no sound as she started to cry. Laughing.  
Erik froze when he saw the vampire.  
"Heeeeey!" Erik said. "You kind of look like me! If I actually had a whole face..."  
"If I was alive, maybe," Then Krolock froze. "You sound like me!"  
Claire started to turn blue. Laughing.  
"Let's sing something! To see if we can find out!" Erik suggested, highly suspicious of this man.  
"How about Music of the Night," Krolock suggested.  
And with that both men started to sing. With the same exact voice. And this brought Spike and Lestat in.  
Mad started to swoon because it was too much for her. Two men... exactly like Michael Crawford! Lestat caught her as she fainted.  
Claire was blue, crying, shaking, and boardering on passing out. Laughing.  
Spike finally noticed Claire on the floor. But thought it was something else.  
"SHE'S HAVING A BLOODY SIEZURE, YOU WANKERS!"  
All the men stopped and looked at Claire.  
But she had passed out. Laughing.  
Erik stared in disbelief. Spike angrily scooped up Claire. Jareth scowled and warped into a stunning black number. Lestat sniffed Mad just because he's horny...  
"I didn't do it this time!" von Krolock said.  
"What did you do?" Spike fumed.  
"Nothing!" shouted von Krolock.  
"I came in! I saw Sarah only she was a little shorter and softer...but I came in and said..."  
Mad shot up.  
"IT'S GOODWIN!"  
Claire shot up.  
"ACK!"  
Lestat got hit in the face with Mad's hair.  
Claire looked around for Jareth... and then saw he wasn't wearing "The PJs" anymore. But she still cracked up at the memory. And then she remembered what Mad said and she shot up.  
"Goodwin, where?"   
And she saw Count von Krolock.  
"Giovanni!" she ran to him and hugged him.  
Krolock froze... he was staring at her neck. He wiggles his eyebrows at you briefly before saying "Itsa too good". And just before he bites her....  
"HEY!" Spike says as he yanks Claire away. "She's my nibblet- not yours!"  
Krolock grabbed hold of her and tugged. "My snack, boy! She offered herself to me!"  
And once again, Claire became a tug-o-war rope.  
"Not this again!" Claire cried. And then she made a decision. "All right- that's it!"   
Claire pushed both men away. She walked over to the Phantom and said, "I choose you," before making out with him.  
Mad fell over. Laughing. 


	7. On a cold winters night

In loving memory of the tv show: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER  
  
RIP  
  
CHEESE MADE US DO IT!  
  
Suddenly, not two seconds after Mad had collapsed, (Laughing) a lightening bolt struck the floor through the open window.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" screamed Lestat, jumping into Jareth's arms. "FIREEE!!!!! -- Oooh, you've been working out..." he said drooling and rubbing Jareth's chest.  
  
Jareth promptly dropped Lestat on the floor. "Shut up, you ninny! We've got company!" He gestured to the two women standing where the lightening had struck.  
  
A short young woman with brown hair and long legs stood behind a slightly taller woman, who was covered in scars and somewhat muscular. Their faces were a little wet from the rain dripping from their brown hair, the taller one with a smirk painted across her mouth.  
  
Claire suddenly stopped sucking face with Erik and screamed, "Hazel!!" and jumped on top of the taller woman, squashing her face in her chest. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?"  
  
"Baldwin."  
  
"Oh, no wonder I couldn't find you, who lives in BALDWIN?"  
  
"No one, the government just makes it look like it's highly populated. You know, like Lewbeach."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Erik, who was recovering from oxygen deprivation, coughed and yelled, "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE???"  
  
"That's my line, ya wanker!!" Spike glared at the Phantom.  
  
"Err, excuse me? Yeah, Memo here... mind giving me some attention, Claire? You know, Haze isn't the--OH MY GODS, IS THAT LESTAT??"  
  
Claire smirked and said, "Who do ya think it is, Tom Cruise with fluffy hair and fangs?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Memo launched herself towards Lestat and proceeded to climb on his shoulders. "HAIIRR!!! BLONDE!!! FLUFFY!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!" Memo continued to sniff Lestat's hair until she became 'orgasmic.'  
  
Claire slapped her forehead and sighed, "Oh God, not another one..."  
  
Hazel sighed and stroked Claire's hair against her chest. "I feel ya sista... in more ways than one." she winked.  
  
Mad suddenly woke up as her Lestat Radar came on. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, BEE-ATCH!?"  
  
Memo screamed back, "YOU SOUND LIKE GOODWIN IN BEANS!!! OH MY GOD, AND LOOK AT YOUR NAILS!!"  
  
Mad tore Memo off Lestat's hair, who seemed dazed by the moaning that had been going on in his hair from Memo. Memo then proceeded to rip out Mad's hair and growling, "MY SEXY FRENCH VAMPIRE!!!"  
  
"YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE ARMAND!"  
  
"WELL...SOOO???" She suddenly calmed down and remarked, "One cannot have too many sexy European men."  
  
"Here, here!" Claire shouted from buried in Hazel's dress, whilst blowing kisses at Spike.  
  
Mad blinked and after a while yelled, "YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERY EUROPEAN MAN IN THE WORLD!!"  
  
"Quite right, it wouldn't be fair. You can have Mister Anti-Social over there," Memo gestured to Erik.  
  
Claire huffed, "That one's mine, watch it!"  
  
Mad retaliated. "Oh yeah?? I don't see your name on him!!"  
  
A long pause.  
  
Erik blushed and Claire smirked. "Turn around Erik-poo."  
  
Erik did as he was told as Claire reached over and pulled down his pants and exposed his ass. C-L-A was on the left cheek, I-R-E on the right.  
  
Jareth started retching. "I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!!"  
  
Mad snapped her fingers. "DAMN! I shoulda thought of that."  
  
Lestat mumbled, "And to think under all those concealing capes he has such a tight ass..."  
  
Spike sat down on the floor and rocked his body in a fetal position in denial. "I did not a see a phantom's ass, I did not see a phantom's ass."  
  
Claire slapped his ass and told him to pull his pants back up. "Yes that's right, this tight ass is AAAAAALL MIIIIIIIIIIIINE..." Hazel rolled her eyes.  
  
"Eh, I've seen better... in the mirror."  
  
Memo gasped at the sight of Spike and whispered crazy things in his ear, brainwashing him. Spike then changed his mantra to "I'm not a muffin, I'm not a muffin, I'm not a muffin..."  
  
Mad leaned in to him and said "Aww, poor baby..." She leaned closer to him and smiled warmly. "You're not a muffin... don't worry..."  
  
Spike sniffled and managed, "I'm not?"  
  
"No... you're a CROISSANT!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Memo jumped on Lestat and made out with him and felt his crotch, much to his content. "Wait a second... HE STUFFS!? Aw, shit!"  
  
Claire nodded and smiled. "Stuffer."  
  
Memo thought for a minute and decided, "It's not the size of the car. It's how you ride it." Lestat grinned and hugged Memo.  
  
"I knew you'd be the type to like it on top..."  
  
Claire suddenly burst, "HEY HEY HEY!! TOO MUCH SEXUAL INFO!! VIRGIN EARS SEARING OVER HERE!!"  
  
Spike snapped back to reality and blinked. "You're a virgin?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
Spike and Lestat grinned and said simultaneously, "Mmm... virgin blood..."  
  
Hazel snatched Claire possessively. "MINE!! BACK OFF, VAMPS!!" and bared her OWN fangs.  
  
Lestat's eyes widened. "You're one too? Wait...do YOU like it on top?" His eyes dipped to her low collar line.  
  
Mad piped up happily.   
  
"I like it on top!"  
  
Silence. Everyone stared at little Mad. She stared back. They stared at her, she stared back, they stared at her, she stared back. Mad then took out an all-day-sucker, and smiled. Lestat raised his eyebrow.   
  
"Too cute. Too Claudia."   
  
Memo grabbed the sucker.  
  
"Mine!"   
  
Mad took out a chocolate bar.   
  
"You give me back the sucker,"  
  
Claire answered.  
  
"That didn't sound right."  
  
Mad shot her a look and turned back.  
  
"And I'll give you chocolate."  
  
Hazel braced herself. Memo's eyes became huge.  
  
"Cha...? Choco...? ChocoLATE? Reawwy?"   
  
Erik hid behind his fedora, Jareth stepped back, Spike was still in the corner while Lestat stared at Mad's boobs.   
  
"Yeah!" Mad smiled.  
  
"MINE!" shrieked Memo and dashed for the chocolate. She dropped the sucker and munched the candy in the corner quietly.  
  
"Hooray for red." Hazel chuckled.  
  
Mad bowed as they applauded. All except for Spike, who was incoherent, and Erik who sighed. Lestat began salivating blood and Claire snuggled against Hazel. Hazel looked at Mad and Claire and grinned.  
  
"Hey Claire?" She started to whisper in her ear.  
  
At first, Claire smiled but then she had an 'eww!' look on her face.  
  
"No way! Mad's my friend! That's disgusting!"  
  
Hazel grinned.  
  
"Well it was just a suggestion."  
  
Jareth sat down looking bored.   
  
"I wanna little."  
  
Claire yelled.  
  
"You'll get it later!"  
  
Lestat was inspecting Memo who had gotten extremely quiet.  
  
Mad was bored too and started to walk towards Jareth. Jareth smiled.  
  
"Hey, cutie!"  
  
Of course, Mad walked right past him.  
  
"Where are you going?"   
  
"Ewik?" Mad cooed.  
  
This time, Clare braced herself.  
  
Erik looked at her out of the corner of his eye.  
  
"I'm sowwy." She said snuggling into him.  
  
"Vous êtes malade." Erik hissed.  
  
"Thank you!" Mad giggled.   
  
But, unfortunately Memo finished the candy bar.   
  
"YAAAH! MORE!"   
  
They all stared at Memo, Memo stared back, they stared some more, Memo stared back, They stared some more....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ten hours later  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They stared some more, Memo stared back. Finally, the cameraman passed out and the camera was focused on feet.   
  
"Blast it! You killed him!"   
  
"We didn't do anything it was Memo's fault!"   
  
"Chocolate!"   
  
"Well what are we going to do now, hmm?"   
  
"Show us your boobs!"   
  
"LATER!"   
  
"We need someone to do the camera."   
  
"Derrrr!"   
  
"I'll do it!"   
  
Lestat ran and grabbed the camera. Of course, he was bad and he knew what to do. First he filmed ten minutes of Hazel's muscular, impressive boobs. Then went for Memo's cute perky boobs. Then he got a shot of Mad's large, cushiony boobs and was about to go for Claire's shapely boobs when....   
  
''MY FACE IS A LITTLE HIGHER BUCKO!''   
  
The camera went fuzzy. 


End file.
